That was the last time I tried the relationship thing because it was so hopeless, but I have tried sex since and that has been really messy too. The urge comes over me at parties or in the pub or club where I happen to be at the time, after a few drinks and feeling relaxed, chatting with people from work, I see some man and I want all those things girls are meant to want. I know that I am reasonably attractive, I am only twenty nine and have a slim figure, I can wear pretty much what I like and look OK, I hate saying things like that it sounds so conceited, but when I make eye contact they always come easily.
At first, the feeling comes when we’re just chatting, you know, small talk, that I can do this and it’s really OK, why can’t I have this too? And it leads me on, he buys a drink and I have to buy the next one, it still feels nice at that point, and I am getting the thing I want. So why would I let it go at the end of the night? He’s always attractive and I am getting that feeling now, so we go home together. That is the way it has happened most times, after that each occasion varies in the detail, but it is never great, and the warm comfortable feeling leaves when my clothes come off.
OK, here’s one specific example. A couple of weeks ago I was with a man I met in the way I described, he seemed really nice so I went home with him, I don’t often take drugs but he had some coke and I couldn’t see why not and we had some together. When we went to bed after some cuddling and that kind of thing, I got this fear when he touched me and not even down there, he just put his hands on my arms gently and I froze. The comfortable warmth and protection had gone so quickly and in its place was terror, I screamed really loud, there was fear and then anger on his face, but I couldn’t stop the sound coming from my mouth. There was a loud banging noise coming from the front door, but I carried on screaming, it wasn’t even my choice to do it, the sound was coming from someone else almost so there was no way I could have stopped.
That night ended badly. The neighbours called the police and although my fit had passed by the time they arrived, procedure dictated that they had to come in, and in the confusion the coke was left on the table, that man got arrested for the drugs and charged with giving some to me. He was very angry with me and I was too scared to see him and explain what I said to you just now, so I was left with so much guilt for bringing that down on him. Not that anything I would have said could have changed it anyway, I tried to say I didn’t want them to press charges and they said it wasn’t anything to do with me now, I felt really bad.
That’s one of the worst but it’s never what I would describe as a good outcome. When I do see it through, and allow them to have sex with me, release doesn’t come for me as I suppose it should. Usually, I am left with an empty feeling in my chest, soreness down there and tension in my tummy that takes ages to go. Once I was sick on a man when he tried to put it in. No, don’t know where that came from, but suddenly I was heaving, gushing out the drinks we’d had mixed with the remains of lunch. He was quite upset about it I think, although he didn’t show much after the first reaction of surprise. I remember he wanted to help me clean up, but I didn’t want him to, so I locked myself in the bathroom. That time I was so embarrassed that I sat in there crying for a long time, only quietly so he wouldn’t hear me.
I don’t really know what to tell you now. You say to tell the truth, and everything will come out OK, but I’ve done that before and all it did was hurt everyone. And another thing what if you don’t believe me, I have nowhere else to go now everyone looks at me funny already.
I have no idea where that came from, why you would think I was lying about anything? But now you mention it, I do feel quite defensive about that kind of thing you know, honesty is important to me. There’s nothing I can recall, nothing that seems you know, significant or anything about being disbelieved.
Obviously, there have been times, when I was young maybe, when I may have taken something that wasn’t mine and lied, but nothing major. OK, you’re in charge here, what now? That dream? Well yes OK I’ll talk about that if you like, not that it seems really relevant to what I’m here for, but yes whatever. Yes, of course I’ve wondered about it do you think I’m stupid or something, no, come on, what do you mean by that? I am calm, I just object to your making those kind of judgements of me. All I said was that I can’t see the relevance and don’t wish to waste your valuable time, that’s all. Well, alright I’m sorry, I can see I was perhaps a little touchy, but the dreams are disturbing even if they are completely meaningless.
As I said the feeling is of being powerless, carried along against my will, now I think about it, at one point I did resist the pull and I was trying to scream for help. I was calling for my mum, no, we’re not close in fact I very rarely see her at all these days. We talk on the phone once or twice a year, last time we met was about two and a half years ago at my dad’s funeral, and I hadn’t seen him for over ten years before he died. But that’s what little girls do when they’re in trouble isn’t it, call for mummy. Yes, it was mummy I tried to shout, I told you I’m eight in the dreams.
Didn’t I say that before, yes usually I am eight in the nightmares, that and the feeling of intense fear, foreboding, are the only recurrent themes. It just makes sense to me that a little girl would call for her mother, it feels natural, if you like. No, it would certainly seem wrong to call for my father, although most of the girls I know have a thing for their dads, you know, daddy’s little girl, I’ve never had that ever. He wasn’t there most of the time when I was little, he was in the merchant navy on container ships, at sea a lot, not that it really bothered me.
I have never thought about whether I should feel more for him than I do, not that I’ve ever discussed those feelings with anyone either, but mainly he is just an absence for me. It would surprise me to wake up asking him for help, if that makes sense. School was OK for me, I was really happy to go at first, I remember the first day easily, it was like a world opening up to me and I fit right in. All the teachers were really nice to me and I remember smiling a lot and playing games with the other girls.
Yes, I loved it there and I felt really sad when I had to leave them behind. Well I went to live with my grandparents just after we all went up to the primary school together, my mum took me there one day and I just stayed. Is it a major detail? Oh well, if you say so, I know I said I was sad, but I don’t really remember anything too well about the time. It was only when I looked back years later that I felt sad for the little girl. The new school was fine, it was perfectly OK, I wasn’t an outstanding student, but I did the work that was asked of me and got average marks. The other kids were OK to me, but they had all been together since they started, and it was hard to fit in.