What shape am I?

Is anything about us indisputable? What is there about me that I can ever really know as ‘fact’?

Nothing that I feel or think can be relied upon because that was all formed in such an unreliable way. Like the football team that I ‘supported’ for many years, which I chose simply because my older brother told me to. Now, I can’t remember if physical threat was involved in that choice or if I just followed because I knew no better. Certainly, I don’t care about the game and although we played it at school I never understood it properly, so probably I just went along.

Other things that I just ‘chose’ without question include moving to Australia in my early twenties because my sister said it was a good idea, signing up to attend university on another’s recommendation, accepting that The Beatles music was good.

Based on evidence from my life, if I can say one thing that seems true, I have been a naive for most of the time. Never questioning enough, being so unsure of myself that I have ended up doing stuff in reaction to what I have seen around me without any real understanding.

At school I was in conflict with their system most of the time. I know now that I never knew what I was supposed to be doing, and it didn’t matter how many people shouted at me I still didn’t know. All I saw was others moving with certainty through the system, doing things and being praised, achieving awards and commendations for their work. I have always felt that there was an instruction book that they forgot to give to me.

My current job, or means of earning a living, was arrived at by accident. There was a need for income so I did the first thing that presented itself. Back when I was reborn, and there was an opportunity to do anything, something different, to grow into a different kind of tree, I fell back into the old pattern. This business has been moderately successful, providing for my needs and those of my family for a number of years, which brings me onto another point.

The family, the children that I adore, I arrived at that in the same way as everything else. The woman presented herself and without considering the consequences I dived in. Having only recently become completely emotionally free for the first time in my life, I jumped back in, or rather, fell back into a pattern. When this woman wanted to have a child I said OK, although it wasn’t my plan. If I’m honest, I suppose I have always thought that someone else knows better, and I should go along just in case.

And now, I am at a point in my life where I need to question that attitude, so I start with the above question, who am I and why?

The way forward is to ask the right questions. When there is a choice, to do due diligence before deciding. Is this what I really want, what are the consequences, what are the alternatives, are the right questions. In this way, coupled with the information derived from hearing the quiet inner voice, I will steer my life along the path that will bring me true happiness. I can live for the time that is left to me in a way that is true to the essence of me. I am certain that this will bring success and joy. If I am truly happy then those around me will also be happy.

Whatever else I find, there are is one fact about me. I am a father to three people who still need my attention and love. For all my failings I am still their heritage and continuity is important. In fact, that is all I am certain of at this point in my life. Everything else needs to be questioned and re-examined carefully. What are the things that are me and what has been osmotically taken on and accepted without question. Those feelings which are formed by the chemicals that I release into my system, why do I choose those? Are they valid and me, or are they someone else’s dream.

I think it is time for me to be living my own dream NOW.

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