Sorry to bother you but there’s some things I want to say.
Firstly, and possibly least important, I miss you more than I even thought I would, and I knew I would miss you a lot. Seeing you in pain and going through the fear barrier that protects us from awareness of imminent death, I experienced such emotional rending it felt like I would collapse. Despite our differences, of which there were many, the connection between us existed, exists, on a much deeper level. Since we first met I was aware of this fact, but it wasn’t until I tried to part from you that it became obvious to me that I was held against my conscious will.
It was always my default that I would blame you for this, as if you were manipulating me and using whatever leverage you had to make me stay, but I know now that it was my doing. This was my choice, I entered the arena willingly, and, thinking back to the beginning, of this round at least, the signposts were there and this was not a mistake. That first time I saw you, the memory of the flash of recognition that arced between us across thousands of miles of physical distance, is still burned into my consciousness.
Like a fish on a line I fought against the pull of you, but it was a fight I knew I wouldn’t win. The line went slack and I was reeled in.
My life since has had direction. Every day, there has been something to do, a path to follow or to create. We seemed to have little self determination, but the journey along that path fulfilled every need each of us had. When I knew you were by my side I felt anchored, knowing you would never leave me. Often I have wondered if you understood, that the changes you wanted to see in me might result in me needing to leave you. When we met I was a child, recently reborn and unformed in character. My role at that time was the grasshopper, not an ant, I was playing at life. You provided the weight that prevented me floating away on the cushion of my own hot air.
In the terrible aftermath, the emotional landscape of peaks and troughs, the sea of troubles looks unnavigable, yet when I take inventory the raft is well stocked. From speaking to people who had contact with you during the last weeks of your life, I come to realise that you spent much time packing supplies that we will need to continue our journey.
My immediate supposition, that I will be struggling, seems to be completely unfounded. Financial provision, your forte, is extremely good. You always gave great attention to making sure bills were paid, and now I find I have learned something of that, although I am still pretty careless. When you told me what to do after you died, and I protested that you would live another forty years, I didn’t really hear you. But I find that I know what to do.
My fervent wish is that you experience peace and rest. Your life was hard and gruelling, there was little respite along the road. Now I am finding out all the things you didn’t tell me, I understand you more. Now I can see how you became so hard and unyielding, if you were not that way you would have broken. It is my hope that the time we had together provided you with a life that gave some joy. There are times when I recall the childlike note of wonder in your voice when you saw something that, to me, was commonplace, but to your eyes seemed miraculous. There were continents between us, but we were inseparably joined.
My love for you is deeper than anything on this human level, we have journeyed many times in the past and I am sure we will meet again. Now I will let the tears come again and hope they will cleanse me of some of the guilt I feel for my human failings. You chose me and you clung to me, you gave me substance and now I am a better person for your attention.
We all miss your presence and we wish you well.
RIP Dany Donald 1979?-2022